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Through the Infernal Abyss: My Descent into Ego Death and the Light Beyond

I’ve wondered if this ego death, and all the events that led me here, were triggered by my journey through the inferno realm. Truthfully, it feels like I’ve entered a place I didn’t know existed within me—a kind of hell I could never have prepared for.


But do I regret it? Absolutely not. There’s a deep knowing within me that to get to, you have to go through. This path wasn’t chosen lightly; I wanted this. I knew that to reach the next level of transformation, I would have to face the darkest parts of myself.


Every day for the past week, I’ve been waking up around 3:30 a.m., feeling as though the end is near. In these early hours, racing thoughts take over—thoughts of hopelessness, depression, questioning if this spiritual journey was a mistake. I’ve been searching for God, yet feeling as though God is nowhere to be found. I wonder if every choice I’ve made was the wrong one, and I’m left feeling like a failure. The weight of lack, isolation, and the fear of never being enough presses down, creating a storm within.


Ego death feels like dissolving into the unknown—a dismantling of every belief, every illusion I clung to. It’s raw, disorienting, and at times it feels like being completely untethered, drifting with no solid ground beneath me. I’m reminded that transformation demands sacrifice—the sacrifice of comfort, of certainty, of who I thought I was. I find myself standing in a void, knowing I have to make peace with this place before I can move forward.


Yet, there’s a part of me that senses something beyond the darkness, even if I can’t see it fully. The light feels distant, but it’s there, a quiet promise waiting on the other side. I may not have reached it yet, but I know that I’m being stripped down to the essence of who I am meant to become.


This journey is one of trust and surrender, of peeling back layers and watching illusions fall away. And even if my light hasn’t fully emerged, I can feel its potential—an invitation to keep going. Ego death isn’t the end; it’s a purging, a refining process that prepares me to step into my essence. In this emptiness, I am making space for authenticity, for the truth of who I am to take form.


To anyone who’s in the depths of their own dark night of the soul or experiencing an ego death—I see you, and I honor your journey. This path isn’t easy. When we’re faced with our shadows and feel stripped of everything familiar, fear can feel overwhelming, almost paralyzing.


But remember, transformation is a process. The pain, the darkness, the uncertainty—they’re all part of shedding what no longer serves you. It may feel like the light is out of reach, or even nonexistent, but it’s there. Sometimes it’s just hidden, waiting for the moment when you’re ready to embrace it.


Hold onto that quiet promise of light, even if you can’t feel it right now. Trust that this isn’t the end—it’s an initiation, a preparation for the strength, authenticity, and clarity that’s taking root within you.


Give yourself permission to feel the fear without judgment, knowing that on the other side of it is a profound renewal. The journey through darkness can reveal depths you didn’t know you had and connect you with the essence of who you are. Embrace each step as it comes, and remember, you’re not alone in this. The light will meet you when you’re ready.


We’ve GOT THIS!


Until we meet again….


Signing off….


Nicole formerly known as Elocin Ned’RAH - The Modern Day Sage (aka The Ego Slayer in this BISH!!!)


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